help

in light of my last post, i'm looking for suggestions:
new title for blog?
where to settle?
bring it on friends and family- i'm looking/asking for direction.

cold in phoenix

i'm in phoenix and it is 50 degrees in the house. i have a space heater, but it only emits heat about 2 feet directly in front of it, but i am very, very grateful for it. it sort of feels like i'm camping right now (and we all know how i feel about camping). i am also watching the worst movie ever, eagle vs. shark.
now to sum up christmas:
when on i got in my car last wednesday to drive to hurricane all i wanted to do was get in my car and go somewhere else. just go, go where no one knows me or really where i don't know myself, but then of course i found myself at my parent's house. and that place is a place where i suppose i can be anybody i want and no matter what they put up with me. my parents would do and have done just about anything for their kids and we are all just a bunch of spoiled babies. i think all either of them really want is for us to be happy and there are a couple of us that just can't seem to get that right. i have wasted this holiday. i have lost the meaning. i have walked away from myself in so many ways. i suppose this isn't about summarizing christmas, it's all of 2008.
but it's a new year
my 30th year and time to change the title of my blog
i don't want to be in transition anymore.
i want more meaning
i want more love
i want more peace
2009 shall be my quest to find all of those things.
perhaps i will return to hurricane next christmas and be okay with being myself, with being me and i will want to be with the people that love me not run away from them or from myself.
i am tired of running, tired of moving- it's time to settle.

introducing lucy, lulu or lucinda- the baby dog!

ode to the weekend

i love you weekend
today i laid in bed
packed a little
went to a movie
ate leftovers
contemplated a new car
listened to music
and got just a little more crazy in my head

hollywood farmer's market

fifth and final day in l.a.:
i wanted to go the farmer's market and i took some fun photos there. it was a sunny, glorious day where all the hipsters, organic mom's and hard working people congregated to get their fill of locally grown and produced veggies, fruits and cheeses. i bought the best mini pecan pie i have ever in my life tasted. sigh. so lovely. it was time to get one more last taco at el compadre's, give some love to my dog, grab a short nap and head home.

friends and art- what could be better?

fourth day: john and i started out at shannon and robert's new house. we had brunch and enjoyed the sunshine that poured in through the windows of the dining room. shannon is such a great host- she made pouched eggs, chicken sausage, provided bagels and lox with cucumber, red onion and tomato. Also brie and blueberries which taste absolutely gorg together as we discovered. we discussed furniture options and decorating ideas and peter shin and his little one dropped by, which was a nice surprise. after a leisurely brunch john and i headed over to LACMA for the Vanity Fair exhibit. i love museums and i love art, but it is rare that i actually stop and read each and every placard. it was historical and full of rich images that made me sparkle inside. i was particularly pleased with the amount of women photographers displayed and employed by Vanity Fair, even in the early days. Vanity Fair has been the only fashion magazine i've ever subscribed to- i have always loved their flair for style, art and politics. we had a early supper, late lunch of crispy chicken salad with champagne dressing outside soaking up the son and then headed over to the new building for contemporary art. i love contemporary art and i was not disappointed with the vast and large pieces on display, particularly the Ed Ruscha. we went home and spent some time with mimi, but were in the mood for warm home cooked type food so we went to Kate Mantilini's in beverly hills where i had a chicken pot pie. i crashed that night to my favorite christmas movie, elf.

FG and La Brea Tar Pits

Day three: Spent most of the morning sleeping, one has to recover from sharing a bed with a pushy beagle and snoring gay husband, especially since they both like to get up at 5 am. Eventually i made it out of bed and picked up joy and kimberly who seemed as though they were in goods spirits and hardly hung over- those woman can drink! We went to meet Brandi at her new office- which was super fancy! yay Brandi! Lucky for me i got to swing by the old FG office and see a couple of friends, which is always nice. it was a gorgeous day so the four of us decided to walk over to the La Brea tar pits for lunch. i had a yummy mozz, basil and tomato panini, although i have to admit Tony makes a far superior panini AND he indulges us with balsamic. we then went and picked up the girl's luggage, introduced kimberly to the scientology compound on los feliz and did a little shopping. i dropped them off at the airport and kissed the lovely 40 year old joy goodbye- happy birthday tomorrow joy, she looks fantastic! john and i then went to a "business" dinner at a very trendy little place on doheny and melrose called murano's. indulged in a gorgeous pink sauce penne and enjoyed myself immensely with a few of john's clients. great company, wonderful food- all in all a very nice day three.

and here's a shout out for my friend tony- this song is particularly fitting in this great time of change for our country.

madge

day two brought madonna, but before all that my friend katie invited john and i onto the fox lot where we had a small tour, bought some dvds and ate lunch. it was a really nice time and moments like those always make me miss my friends more.

so on to madonna: it's a long story and not all nice so i will keep it short and concise. it took us almost two hours to get there, the traffic was awful. joy, her friend kimberly and i got out of the car to walk to the stadium. i believe it was just under a mile, which was not awesome in a pair of new (non-walking) shoes. i ended up with six blisters on my right foot. john miraculously ended up getting into our seats before i did. madonna decided to not come on until 10 pm, which really pissed me right off. the show started and it was fun, but i was in such a bad mood it took me until the show was half over to get into it. brittany made an appearance basically to say, i'm brittany bitch (whatev) and then justin sang four minutes and that was really fun. M did this whole thing about barack which was probably the best part of the show cause 50,000 people were on their feet cheering in the stand for our new president elect. it was actually quite momentus and worth being there just for that. took us only about an hour to get out of the parking lot and then it was bed time.
john and i looking much happier then we were.

lalalalalala

day one:
el compadre- oh how i love thee. the last 4 times i have come to l.a. the first place i go- literally from the airport- is to el compadre. shannon, brandi, john, katie and anjel all joined me and they always make me feel so loved. it's at this point in the trip (the earliest part) where i say to myself, hmm....i need to come back here, but then four days later i'm ready to get the hell out.

this is all i have to say...

ladies and gentlemen: Kerli

so my aunt bought these tickets to this show because the artist is estonian and she is sweet and thought of me. i had never heard of her, but was game for a night of family fun! so out comes this teeny, tiny adorable blondie blonde in well, nothing short of a wedding gown. nii armas! tahtsin nii vaga raakida temaga eesti keeles aga ei saanud. phew! who knows what i actually said right there- the estonian is real rusty, real, real rusty. anyway good time out- and a shout out to amber for letting me drag her along and wait in line for an hour to meet kerli which inevitably did not happen.

this is what research does to me

i want to pull out my hair and stomp my feet, but never NEVER go without mascara.

Carnival World Buffet, that is...

The Rio, my friends...in all of it's glory.
Third and final night in Vegas: BUFFET!


Thanks sister and brother in law and baby.

i like to take baby to the strip

day two in vegas: we went to Caesar's Palace and watched some of the weird fountain statue shows, then we went to the Bellagio and watched their Ocean's Eleven water show- which was quite impressive. then i lost a dollar in a slot machine.

two toned pink suede...hello lover!

first day in vegas:
prada
too bad they stayed in vegas.

because allison is a really good friend and i love her and she tagged me and really you can't leave a friend hangin'

Here are the rules: I have to answer the following questions with one word answers and one word only!

1. Where is your cell phone? floor
2. Where is your significant other? seriously
3. Your hair color? blonde
4. Your mother? mommy
5. Your father? kid
6. Your favorite thing? obsessing
7. Your dream last night? therapy
8. Your dream/goal? hero
9. The room you're in? bedroom
10. Your hobby? blogging
11. Your fear? cockroach
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? city
13. Where were you last night? bed
14. What you're not? content
15. One of your wish-list items? love
16. Where you grew up? phoenix
17. The last thing you ate? sushi
18. What are you wearing? lotion
19. Your TV? small
20. Your pet? mimi
21. Your computer? black
22. Your mood? tired
23. Missing someone? e
24. Your car? honda
25. Something you're not wearing? clothes
26. Favorite store? marc jacobs
27. Your summer? long
28. Love someone? yes
29. Your favorite color? green
30. When is the last time you laughed? today
31. Last time you cried? today

thom you always make me happy, always

and thanks for doing justice to a beautiful portishead song

saturday

yesterday sher and i went to see body worlds. i remember when it was at LACMA and i was curious, but not quite as enthusiastic about going. this time i felt like i really shouldn't pass up the chance. we waited an hour and half before even getting into the exhibit. but we entertained ourselves fairly well. i have to say it was really quite amazing. it honestly made me appreciate my body- which is always a good thing since i have such a strained, weird something going on with that relationship. i am so lucky that everything works as it should considering how little effort i put into the workings of my body. this above image was my favorite. a little girl asked her mom why they were in that position, the mom seemed exasperated and said i don't know. i wanted to say, because look how beautiful it is. look.

hangin' in hurricane (pronounced hurricun)

this is hurricane, ut.
this is where i spent my weekend.
with my family.
i made chicken and pancetta with penne in a garlic cream sauce.
i also made chicken mole with my mexican rice and lime black beans.
i hung out with baby aidan.
i went shopping with my sis and my cuz.
it was a great weekend.
just what i needed.

what do i see?

i see something beautiful and scared.

jackie warner move over

i started a boxing class today. it totally kicked my ass and part of me hated it, well most of me hated it, but a little baby bit wanted to learn how to hurt someone real bad. :)

pretend therapist

today was a good day.
i co-facilitated two groups today and actually contributed. afterwards the two "real" therapists commented that i had asked some insightful questions.
that made me feel good.
felt like i was grasping the process and really hearing people instead of trying to "figure" out what they were masking.

but then something embarrassing:

on the way back from one of the groups i was carpooling with my supervisor. she was saying how i am one of the first students she has supervised and in her words am, "unfortunately being experimented upon." then i ever so smartly responded with, "oh i love being experimented on." ugh. "i mean in a positive way. a totally non-sexual way." oh my gosh, please stop! seriously?!! what the hell? it's particularly embarrassing given she comes from a psychoanalytic background, so naturally my comment is full of freud, therefore open for all sorts of interesting analysis.

sigh.

pulling my hair out...in the not-so-good-way and yes, there is a good way

i am totally overwhelmed.

first day of school, last year of school

today i started my new internship. i'm exhausted. it's only been about three weeks since my last internship, but i forgot how tiring it is to start somewhere new. my face hurts. you have to smile a lot and be interested and listen. you are not sure if people will think you are funny or just trying too hard. and then there is the sweating. i have been hot all day and i keep looking around, like- hey is anyone else melting or am i freakishly hormonal?
oh...that probably is the issue.

i want...

elegy written in a country churchyard

O Rose, thou art sick
The invisible work
That flies in the night
In the howling storm

Has found out thy bed
of crimson joy,
And his dark secret love
Does thy life destroy

The dark unfathomed caves of ocean bear:
Fully many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air

Thomas Gray

bat or pig?

on thursday night E and i went to see Dark Knight. i found it a bit disturbing and not as sexy as the first one. i even found myself missing katie holmes, which is super weird. maggie g is way above that role, besides it just didn't suit her. then the joker is so scary and it's just creepy anyway since the actor has since died. i had to come home and watch something lighthearted so that i could sleep. Penelope stars Christina Ricci who is a girl born with a pig's snout. 1 word: fabulous.

chanar

aka: best roomate ever

i came home from work today and she had opened up all my windows- to let some air in, lit a candle and made my bed. then she took me to lunch. we came home and i was still sad so i fell asleep for a couple of hours. when i got up she made me dinner.

loves her! and then she gave me these yummy japanese candies

these saved my life today

but for reals.
it's the small things in life

i want...a garden

i love gardens. BUT i would rather have someone who knows what they are doing take care of it. i would like to attempt an herb garden, however the real English garden i have in mind would

require more work then i think i might be able to give it, unless, that is i marry really well and sit at home to garden and read all day, ah...to read all day. i'll add that to my wants later.

things i want: a series

i will be continually adding to this series. i've decided to do a virtual vision blog of sorts. some of these things might be material, some not, some outlandish some more meager, but they are a few of the things to which i aspire.

5 reasons why i love phoenix. the end.

is it a full moon?

a consistent theme out there is that people are depressed. this is not just because i am a social worker and see sad stuff all the time. a lot of my friends and family are feeling a bit hollow and admittedly i am one of them. there is some research out there that suggests more and more children are being diagnosed as depressed, anxious and even bipolar because of environmental issues: meaning constant exposure to stress, depravity, sadness and apprehension. children may possibly be just reacting to the pulse of this planet.

i like the idea of prozac being a simple detergent that cleans anything up. a harsh, bleach like substance that wipes away the good and bad.

do you know what always makes me feel better?

curious george, the movie with will farrell. love that guy.

good morning starshine, the earth says hello!

Uncle Scott with the wee one

baby aidan carl smith

i aim to look that good in overalls (not aiming high, but aiming nonetheless)

This is Ang and Drew (Stuart's ex?) Anyway Ang came to town this weekend for Ashley (my cousin's wedding). The first night she was here we went to go see Mamma Mia. It was fantastic! We came home and had our own ABBA dance party. Ang was always a great dancer. If only all of you could see her interpretive dance of The Rose. Really, really moving. sigh. Anyway I know it's cliche to say, but Meryl Streep is one of my favorite actresses. She was so fabulous and vibrant, she was amazing to watch.

5 reasons why i love l.a.

1. mimi and john
2. the weather
3. restaurants- especially joans on third
4. shopping- marc jacobs
5. beach

i always wanted to marry jack black

Erica and I went and saw Kung Fu Panda on Sunday. It was fun because she is not into the whole "cartoon," "kid" thing, but I explained there is much more to an animated feature and they are quite smart these days. Aside from the children kicking your seat, throwing popcorn at you and talking the entire time- it was real fun. Here are just a few of my favorite quotes:

Oogway: Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.

Po: It is said that his enemies would go blind from over-exposure to pure awesomeness!

Oogway: One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it.

The movie was hilarious and had a lovely message, but more than anything I was terribly impressed with the animation, especially the texture and the amazing camera shots. People just don't realize the time and energy put into these films.