to live until i die

some of you may not be aware of this, but every year at this time i change my blog title and background. because my birthday falls on the first of january, it's always easy for me to reflect and refocus for my next year. these have been my blogs in the past:

29 and living in transition

30 and moving closer to the edge
a new year, another decade in my life and i'm ready to hold on tightly to more love, more peace and more glitter.

31 and from here you can see the sea.
not looking for anything just enjoying the view.

last year i really took a sit back approach. i really just wanted to take some time for myself. figure some things out. or at least let some other things settle. this is not to say i did nothing, because actually i did a lot. but i just wanted to have a year of being okay with all the decisions i made. just being o.k. really o.k. this is so very hard for me. but, all in all i think i did okay. i honestly feel like i know myself better. i feel like i love myself more. i feel like i'm in a direction and i'm committed to that direction. don't care if it's right or wrong, it's just my direction.

so.... that being said, this year, which is in fact a new decade, i have decided to live a lot. instead of sitting back (which had it's benefits) this year i'd like to actively LIVE!

i'm really going to take that trip i always say i'm going to take.
i'm going to go outside more.
i'm going to work more- a lot more, like until i want to die.
i'm going to hesitate less.

and this is a good start. i'm already exhausted just typing that, but it's all happening.

and of course my new blog title is based off of a brandi carlile song, cause you know how badly i'm in love with her. it's sort of a love song- i make it a love song to myself.

i love the holidays

but i love it when they are over so much more. it just feels more and more gluttonous every year. and then it's like- does anyone even really care? i mean really? if we just stopped exchanging gifts, would it be that big of a deal? i don't think so. i have so much shit as it is anyway.

and you know, i love my family i really do. i love being with them and it's very pretty down here in southern utah, but that does not stop me from being cruuuuaaazy. and i have to reconcile the fact that it's mostly me not being able to deal.

i am a bit of an old lady and i like things to be a)orderly and b)quiet. those things are difficult to obtain when you are not in your own space. and i mean it's not like i can't deal with it, but after a few days there are some things that really grate on my nerves.... like wearing pajamas.

you know what helps?


just keepin' it real.

politics and christmas

you know i keep this blog pretty neutral when it comes to politics and such. in fact, i've stopped reading several people's blog because of our different political slants, particularly around one topic: gay legislation.

however, i feel yesterday was such a landmark day i needed to celebrate with my blog.

don't ask don't tell- a cowardly attempt to band-aid gay bashing and discrimination in the military, which thereby supported prolonged homophobia, not just in the military but with it's far reaching hand. well it's done.

and seriously, it was a battle. and a waste of resources and painful. i personally know people effected by DADT, so yeah it was far reaching. guess what, america? it's hard being gay and even though i would never want to join the military i also cannot wrap my head around the fact that i would be doing a disservice to my country by joining. that somehow being gay would culminate in a less cohesive military force. right.

i'm very surprised, to tell you the truth. shocked actually that it was repealed. i almost feel like, let's wait and see what will happen. when it will happen. but as i always say to my clients (even though i don't often believe it) just trust in the process.
kay i'm trusting.

i want you to come visit

i will make you coffee.

and get you food out of the fridge

and eat with you at my table

you can borrow clothes from my closet/office

we can start a fire in my fireplace!

sit on my new couch!

and bonus! i have a killer view from my bathroom window

and best for last- this face. this face wants you to come over!

last week was so sucky and sad because my friend had such a terrible loss, you saw my previous blog. anyway to add to all the strain of losing a child they also have incurred thousands of dollars of debt with the hospital, who worked hard to keep Anthon healthy for as long as they could.

So a fund was set up called Anthon's memorial fund at Wells Fargo Bank, it's simply to help the family pay off the hospital bills. The fund is under Mckay J Anderson - Anthon Anderson Benefit Memorial Fund. You can go to any Wells Fargo Bank and donate under that account. If the bank has trouble finding the account, they may call Jared Garns (personal banker) at 801-798-3522 for assistance.

i know even just a little bit would help them out.

sad day

my dear friends allison and mckay sadly lost their sweet baby Anthon Shaw Anderson on friday.
today i was very privileged to be a part of saying goodbye to baby Anthon.
i just have to say that no one should ever have to bury a baby. and these two people are really good people. allison is a social worker and mckay is a spanish teacher and they have been very good friends to me.
i met allison when we worked together at DCFS and it was a particularly trying part in my life. i was sort of going through a lot of transitions. these two people have been there for me when i was lovesick, heartbroken, lost, broke and ready to give up. two better friends a gal couldn't have.
i love them and i am very sorry for this unfair and tragic loss. i love you andersons, every single one of you.

producitve starts with pay day

i think i was just so excited to not be at work for two days, that i just got supercharged to do some things i needed to get done.

so... 1) bought a couch- pics to come hopefully. 2) got my hair did and i was pretty unhappy with the end result, but mostly because i'm a tiny bit insane but also because it's boring. 3) finally cleaned my office 4) made this kick ass frittata for sunday brunch


a word about this delicious frittata- asparagus, zucchini, shallots, yellow bell peppers, oh my. it was a good time and it was great to see some friends from grad school. they brought so many tasty treats too! brie, bagels, bacon, coffee cake, mimosas- it really was fabulous.

now for the xanax cause monday anxiety is already kicking in. boo.

when i find you i'm not gonna let you go

have you read this?

cause it's soooooo good. i read it some years ago and then picked it up again this year. oddly, i found it in a nail salon that said, "take one or leave one" i took one.
then i saw this:

i didn't even know it had come out until today, so i went and saw it- even though i knew it would depress me. but it was sooooooooo good. really, such a good adaptation! i love it when that happens. i loved the colors in this film, they were all so muted and calm, a little sad too, but sweet and peaceful at the same time.
at the beginning of the film, when they were children it was all grays-

then in the middle when they are at the peak of adolescence- such a promising time in life- greens and reds and blues even.

final stages- tans and white and pinks

beautiful film, true to the integrity of the book and really just another example of why he is such a power writer,(author Kazuo Ishiguro) because that movie is EXACTLY how i pictured everything, clearly he does a good job of putting in simple, but clear details.
anyhoooo.....just watch it and tell me what you think.

doin' what i do

i got a job.

i don't love it.

i moved into a new apartment.

i love it.

i'm broke.

but i'm glad i did what a did.

and this is part of that reason:


it was all misty and rainy.

and i've seen these little guys more

he was really into this chicken, until he spit it all out and made a gross barfing noise. aw...two year olds.

picnic anyone?

i did it! i moved to utah and i made a quilt! see guys, i totally did it. thanks to the gentle guidance of sis packham, this baby is gorgeous and my first for really reals quilt.





oh and i also got a job. so that's good. real good.

she's crafty!

i dunno who this girl is, but she is serious about sewing.

AND SO AM I PEOPLE! (well maybe not that serious, not tattoo serious) anyway....
i'm excited to get back to utah and hook it up with my quilting partner in crime (she taught me everything i know) sis packham, i'm gonna finish up the picnic quilt, then move on to my next one, which involves this:


gorgeous. just gorgeous. tbc

check!

i've always wanted to have del's frozen lemonade, it's one of those things that is sort of a famous beachy thing here and i just never made it over to venice or wherever it's located. so my friend and i were walking to lunch yesterday and there before my eyes is a del's truck! p.s. this town with their trucks! good lord! people get crazy. anyway, it was fun and the best part was there were bits of real lemon in there.
hi!

cheers!

and my lovely friend enjoying her frozen treat

if i had a list of things to do in l.a. before i moved this one would have been crossed off. good thing i've learned my lesson with lists, they just get longer.

je suis désolé

that's just me apologizing to my bucket list cause i was all like, "suck it bucket list" blah, blah, blah. and, "i'm going to mexico suckers!"

mais non.

yeah no, i'm not going to mexico. i'm not going on a cruise. and yes this does feel a little like defeat. and indeed i do feel sorry for myself. but i just don't see how it's possible to plan this trip at this time in my life.

sometimes i wonder if i will ever do the things i so wish to do. well one thing i want to do is eat mexican food all the time and i pretty much do that a lot, so.... things aren't all that bad i spose.

speaking of not going to mexico and eating mexican food, look at this. it makes my mouth water:

it's called chile en nogada and that is a walnut sauce! walnut sauce people! with pomegranates. this meal takes some tender loving care, maybe someday i'll get to try it. or maybe when i have my dream of a my own kitchen and i wear outfits like this all the time


i'll make the damn sauce all by myself. in utah.

weekend madness

unfortunately for me, did not involve my buying a new iphone. sad. it did, however, involve the viewing of many, many terrible movies. i give unto you the following three shitty movies i watched this weekend:
did you hear about the morgans? um...yeah who cares and why was sjp wearing that awful, awful wig? for reals. embarrassing.

lovely bones: great book, terrible terrible movie. so depressing and child murder was surprisingly less entertaining on screen. hmmm.....so weird. (although, at least the acting was good- can't say that for the other two).

the ugly truth: well i don't know what happened here, clearly i knew what i was getting into, but it didn't stop me from watching and consequently throwing up in my mouth several times, being offended and lots of eye rolling.

my colors are blush and bashful

okay i don't have colors, but i am going to a wedding and the shoes i bought for the ceremony are uncomfortable but tastefully called "blush" which i love. basically they are the same color as my skin, but i love them. this is they:

don't be scared, i know it sort of looks like i busted my ankle. i didn't. just doing my thing., i think i might need to go to the beach this weekend and get a little color, which might mean not using spf 45 as generously as i am apt to do. just this once.

tastes like chicken

saturday night, i'm not sure what happened exactly.... i was going to go out, but then all the sudden the whole day had vanished. eh, well whattcha gonna do? i was really craving this place in salt lake, a greek place and lamenting over it so i decided to go zankou's. it's good. but i was disturbed by something.....

do you see that there is a whole tomato in my container o'food? yeah. i don't like. i mean i like tomatoes, but this takes it to a whole other level, that quite frankly i am uncomfortable with.

i am lance armstrong

i had this weird week last week where i was running around like a crazy person trying to come to terms with my life possibly continuing here in california (that is yet to be determined) and i guess i was feeling a little out of control cause on friday i went and spent all this money that i clearly don't have. (woa! sorry about that run-on sentence). i tried to go see the joan river's movie on friday night, but it was basically sold out, so i went to nordstrom's instead and bought a pair of shoes. mostly cause i don't need another pair of shoes. and they're workout shoes. but they are really cute and comfy. i immediately had buyer's remorse, but of course i didn't take them back. oh no! i forced myself to put them on when i got home and went for a long walk. this is what they look like two days later and two good walks on them:

the walks helped me regroup and i'm feeling a little better. but we'll see what the future has in store for me- maybe sandals! jokes.

throwing myself over the walls

somedays you are at home in your apartment in l.a. and your friend calls and says, get your ass to salt lake. and you say to friend, yeah. yeah, okay. i'm gonna come over. so you get your credit card out of your wallet and fly away for a day. some jetsetters may not have slc on their itinerary, but this one does. primary purpose for trip: brandi carlile concert, which will be depicted in a photo montage below, but it was also great to see friends and eat at red iguana, which i miss so much it hurts.
the girls:

the boys:

party tricks commencing- exhibit a:

exhibit b:

exhibit fabulous:

with the boy riley enjoying pre-concert sunset:

the lady love, bc:

bc in the nighttime:

in the throes of concert good times.

such a great spontaneous trip, miss my good friends, miss the mountains, miss the cheap real estate, miss my cousin and my dearhearts that i didn't get to see (allison and sister packham) but i'll be back in a month.

summer days

i literally did nothing this weekend. i barely even left the house, well john's house as i was dog sitting. mimi and i could be found in the following position for nearly 3 glorious days. it was awesome.